So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
