Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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