if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
