I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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