Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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