Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
