life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
