Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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