ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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