Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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