when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Randomize
