ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
