; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
