Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
