just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
