You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
