the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
