My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
