Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
