i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
