So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
