It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize