When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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