Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Is Oprah even human
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