I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
