I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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