a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
