Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
