It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
