Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
