this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
