it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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