how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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