I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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