I'm drive I can fine osifer
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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