just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
