I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
