he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
