She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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