last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
