She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize