I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
