Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
someone owes me an orgasm
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize