Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
