I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
