I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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