I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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