Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize