hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
