I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
