I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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