I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
