There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
