y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
