Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
