I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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