the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
